Letters to DC: Let's Just Keep you All in DC

Dear DC Woman Who Can't Order A Simple Coffee,

Congratulations. You sufficiently made a barista realize how rude and self important you are, and ALSO succeed in displaying to the very crowded Newark airport Starbucks store, that you are someone that we all hope misses her flight.

It is amazing to me that you think yelling is an appropriate version of communication. Also, bravo on having an insanely complicated Starbucks order, that actually isn't that complicated, but the way you say it, makes it complicated. Nice work. So by all means, considering you are the one who basically gave them the wrong order, please feel free to yell and slam your hand on the bar at the woman preparing your drink..it makes you OH so important and OH so special.

Yes, I did roll my eyes at you. But I figured it was fair game, since you clearly play by the rules that you are the only one who matters in this world, so I figured I'd play along.

Oh, also. That outfit makes you look like a stuffy government employee who is wasting tax payer dollars by being inefficient, so good work- you dress that part well I am sure.

Another bravo was on your amazing ability to look "busy". Having your earphones in like you would while you are on a call, but then showing the world you were really playing candy crush....*slow clap*.

Sadly, I was the poor soul who had to sit next to you on the flight. So I actually got to witness you "busy & important" self yell and the flight attendant as well. You were so spot on of being the DC jerk, that I almost laughed....until you dropped the f-bomb. Classssssy.

At least you were flying back to DC, perhaps you should just stay there. Be corralled by all the other similar people and please don't leave the area, so as to not infect the rest of the world with your abysmal behavior. K? Thanks!

Self Importantly Yours,

Andrea

Letters To DC: The Stampeding Animals Known as Humans

Dear Everyone Who Walks Like they a Stampeding Animal,

Why are we walking so damn fast? The other evening I went to Target to pick up some essentials, was walking back and almost got trampled like Mufasa in the gorge. You all were walking so freaking fast, I practically had to trot to not get my heels run over by the chick rolling her suitcase down the street.

Granted I know...you've been at the office allll day and you want to get home so you can watch the SOTU or Dance Moms, and you all have much longer legs (especially those of you wearing those power heels that add 4 inches to your height). So I get it...you are on a mission. I am too. But the difference between stampeding down the sidewalk vs. a gentle stroll probably is only saving you 3-4 extra minutes each evening. Not to mention, don't you ever just want to enjoy the walk?

I was enjoying my walk and outing to Target. Granted, I don't get out much...as we all well know, but when I do it usually is for enjoyment, exercise and because even I (the ultimate homebody) gets stir crazy. So I want to enjoy my time away from "my office"; even if it is just a trivial trip to Target or the post office.

I just don't understand where we are all trying to go so dang fast? No one has enough time in the day, so why fight it? Just enjoy your walk. Oh maybe smile at someone too...revolutionary concept, I know.

Oh wait....sorry. I forgot.

You are just so important of course you are going to walk like a race horse trying to win the Kentucky Derby.

Unkindly,

Andrea

Letters to DC: To the Man Who "Has a Wife & Child"

Dear Man "With a Wife & Child",

What happened at Barnes & Noble was...shocking. My head is still reeling from the incomprehensible absurdity of the interaction we shared over the the table that opened up in the Starbucks cafe. 

Now, I am sure I have no idea how stressful your day had been. Perhaps your kid screamed all morning, or your wife was mad at you for not remembering something you should have, and perhaps (just perhaps) you were trying to make up for it by securing a table in the Starbucks cafe so your child could enjoy a milk box, and your wife and you could sit and chat while the fruits of your loin made you two realize how in love you two are. 

However, the statement "have some mercy! I have a wife and child" said in your entitled voice, as you leaped in front of me to steal the table we had patiently been waiting for, was uncalled for, and frankly absurd.

There were approximately, 20 other tables, and in fact-- one opened up not more than 5 minutes after you rudely took the table that we had kindly been offered by the individual who was leaving. Your child was not screaming, or even acting like they wanted to sit down (plus they had a stroller they could have sat in that was blocking an entire isle of books) and your wife ended up not even sitting down with your to enjoy a over complicated coffee order. (You both seemed like the type to order a Triple, Venti, Half Sweet, Non-Fat, Caramel Macchiato)

Regardless, the next time you think having a "wife & child" make your more important than a kind, patient, couple who just wanted to order a coffee and browse their travel books, and patiently followed the social norms of waiting for a table in a crowded store) you may want to think about what makes you more worthy of that table. 

I hope that your wife reminded you of why she was probably mad at you (that undesirable selfish, self-important attitude may be a clue), your kid screamed the entire way home and threw their milk box on you, and that the next time I encounter you in a Starbucks I can get over my shock to kindly remind you that we had been waiting ahead of you, and social norms say that we were in the right to take that table.

Happy Reading to You and Yours MWW&C!

Yours Truly,

Andrea

Letters to DC: Sweaty Man at the Gym

Dear Sweaty Man at The Gym:

Could we talk for a minute how you are ruining the time I spend in the gym? I used to actually like going to the gym before you started to show up and leave your GIANT pools of sweat on the floor. This is just a personal opinion, BUT I am pretty sure that working out for 2+ hours while you are drinking beer and energy drinks isn't exactly doing your body a lot of favors. With all the sweat you are leaving on the floor around the elliptical machine, I would highly suggest drinking some water rather than your quad, triple-extra-large Starbucks coffee canned beverage (or a beer like you had a few weeks ago). 

Also, if you are leaving pools of sweat (and I mean POOLS) around the machine you were using--be polite and wipe that nastiness up! Better yet--why don't you bring some bath towels and lay them on the floor considering how much you wick off of your toxin fueled body. 

BTW...how are working out wearing that Belly Burner?!?

Another request...could you please change your clothes (that are dripping sweat down the hallway) before you go and sit on the weight machines and leave pools of sweat there as well? 

Well thank you for considering my requests. I hope to see you in the gym soon, perhaps with some water, bath towels and an extra set of clothes. Happy working out!

Best,

Andrea