It is a slippery slope too. Granted, the transition to DC has always felt hard. "Growing up" after college has felt challenging, but I think I started getting angsty about one thing, got overwhelmed that I couldn't sort through the feelings and then slipped right on down that double-black-diamond-of-a-cliff called selfhateredandlifeloathing. Now now...I don't hate myself, OR my life. But I do feel like I have let myself get the best of me. Yesterday morning I said something that made me so disgusted with my attitude that even I didn't want to be around me. I seriously was like "Ugh. Good Lord. Who would want to spend time with you!?". I woke up, put myself together and got to the office. I turned off the distractions, put in some serious effort into some linger to-do projects and tried to just focus on what I needed to do today. I took a few minutes to grab lunch, read some blogs, and order a book I have been meaning to get. And then, I stumbled across someone else's words.
Reading them I knew that I was fated to see those words. To read them; to have them hit so close to my little heart that it scared me, and to stop and say "Wait".
What dawned on me was that I needed to shape up right now. Kind of like where Olivia Newton John sings that song in Grease, the one where she lets Danny know that he needs to shape up? (Loved that movie as a kid).
Yes I have some major shit I am working through. And it is scary and I am allowed to be a big snotty, crying, scared, confused mess about it. But the stuff that has become automatic for me to complain about needs to be stopped.
So this is a post to do some damage control. And hopefully for those of you who experienced this hideous side of me in the past few days will see this as an extension of my sincerest apologies.
- We went to IKEA this weekend and I don't even remember what set me off, but I went from WhooooIKEA! IloveallofyourstuffandwantandneedtoownmorecrapthanIwouldeverneed to this uber depressed Eeyore of a person who I am not even kidding said: "With my luck, I will only move into smaller and smaller apartments". For realz. There are so many things wrong with this statement I could vomit.
- First of all. It is ludicrous. I have done nothing but moved from better living situation to better living situation since moving here. So unless I decide to become a starving artist, I am fairly certain that someday (maybe not tomorrow) I will move into an amazing place with a real bedroom and a kitchen with counter space and a bathroom that has storage space.
- I love my apartment. I pay for it. It is decorated how I like. It is small, but at the same time when I snuggle up on my couch and look at my Christmas lights there is a warmth and coziness to it that feel like a home.
- I have a roof. I have a bed. I have food. I have an oven. I even have a metal chicken named Jay-Z. I am blessed.
- "Don't compare your insides to anyone else's outsides". My apartment is perfectly adequate and I should be proud. End of story.
In response to "What do you have going on today" I said something to the effect of "TodayisgoingtosuckbeforeIevengetoutofbedandIshouldn'teventrybecausetheendoftheworldiscomingforthe9millionthtime"
Yea. It was ugly. Even it being Monday isn't an excuse for such a I-Hate-Everything response.
So here it goes. I am going to re-answer, and show that indeed, nothing warranting that ugly response has or will probably occur today.
"Well I am not thrilled it is Monday. Always hard to head back to the office after a weekend. I have a few meetings today and also need to work on some policies I have been drafting and get caught up on some of my recruiting efforts. After work I have to run to Georgetown and then I want to get a run in since I am trying to get on the bandwagon after my long hiatus from the gym."
Not painful. Not miserable. Typical. Average. Day. So buck up Sparky.
So there it is. I slipped right on down that slide of misery, angst and bitterness only to now try to run up that slippery plastic, twisted piece of plastic like in my elementary school days. And just like then. I am sure I am going to eat it and slide right back down, but hopefully I'll take another stab and stop whining like it is my job.