Wednesday, September 9, 2015
I. am. exhausted.
Stanley had his neutering done last week, and I've had to adjust his sleep arrangements since he couldn't turn around in his kennel with his huge plastic #coneofshame on. So me and him have been bunking up in my office. Between him wanting the cone off, wanting in bed with me, and his bowel issues (their not pretty)- I'm not getting much sleep. He has also been barking, and biting at his leash, picking up every single thing on the ground on walks- basically being a delinquent puppy. All things he wasn't, or hasn't been doing- and I am at my whits end dealing with his puppyness and round the clock care this week.
I'm also just spent with work. Work is hard right now. Mentally trying. Testing my anxiety levels. Trying my confidence and knowledge. I had to make a pretty big personal decision based on work stuff- which I hate. I hate saying that my work comes before really import personal things- but this one had to be done. I'm stressed now. It wasn't the decision I wanted to make, and now I am locked in to a different timeline than I wanted for something personal, which just makes me sad and anxious.
Then there is the family stuff. Yesterday was big- my mom underwent a surgery to hopefully better heal and assist with more normal mobility in her arm. Deep down I trusted the Dr., I was confident she'd be ok, but all this medical stuff- it's scary and stressful (I'm not even the patient!) and I was struggling with the fact that I wasn't there to be with my family. Luckily, it sounds like everything went well and we are now just praying for a speedy recovery and an outcome much better than the previous procedure.
And last night- phewy! Last night. I wanted quiet. I wanted to watch a chick flick, or listen to a pandora station, sip some wine and try to work on my never-ending cross-stitch that is strangely therapeutic for me. Instead, the dog was barking, I was irritated with the lack of light in the apartment, I was sad about not being with my mom and dad, and I was just done.
I lost my ish.
And I am still not in a good mood today. I'm feeling alone in my anxiety, overwhelmed by the feelings of "not being able to handle it", and keenly aware of how much I wish I had the support network I miss so dearly.
I know that these feelings will pass. I'll figure out Stanley's tummy issues, and he'll eventually be able to sleep in his crate again. I know I'll be home soon enough. I know this really hard project at work will eventually end. I know my anxiety will lessen and I'll be less irritable and angry and low light and too much barking when I just want a insanely quiet evening. It will all pass- I just hope I don't combust in the process.