Sunday, August 1, 2010

Pretty Pretty Princess

Ok I will write one personaliknowyoudon'tcarebutIneedtoblogaboutit post. And then I promise I will move on to things that interest someone other than myself. So thank you for bearing with me and being loyal readers. I give you full permission to skip over this post without thinking twice.

Where have I been you ask?
A. Work

It's been a challenging few weeks and I am so thankful that it is coming to an end because I can feel my emotional ability to cope and deal slowly crumbling away. (i.e. resulting in my being beyond moody and upset an unnatural amount of time followed by streams of tears). My boss returns this week and fingers crossed that I will find some more balance and harmony in my work-life balance and therfore more time to dedicate to self happiness and fulfillment.

It may be bleed over from my stress at work, but I just feel out of place in my own life.This it the only way I can describe it: I remember my mom would take my clothes shopping and I would fall in love with an outfit and it would be WAY to big. She would buy it for me so I could grow into it and I would constantantly lust after it while it hung in my closet. One year my mom let me buy a princess Halloween costume that was too big for my 3 foot frame. She taped the hem under the dress so I could wear it and not trip all over it. Now I knew no one could see the tape, but it felt all wrong and I threw a huge fit the night of Halloween. Princess did not have masking tape on their dressed! She let me take the tape out, only for me to realize I couldn't walk in the dress and we just had to put the tape back in so I could go trick-or-treating. There were a lot of tears that Halloween and I remember being so frustrated that I couldn't wear the dress like a normal person.

This is how I feel about life right now. I want to wear this big girl dress. And I want to be taken seriousl. I want to have a big girl life, with big girl friends and relationships and yet I just feel like I have to keep "taping" the bottom of my big girl dress up, so that I don't make an idiot out of myself and trip and fall.

It is frustrating because I don't know if the dress would fit better in different circumstances, different places, etc. or if I am just not ready for a big girl dress yet. Granted my mom knew I was going to grow into the clothes and that is why she would buy my outfit that were too big. But I feel like I have been trying to grow into this "life outfit" forever now and I just can't seem to do it. Frustrating. That is all I can say about that.

Some of it is I feel like I have a superficial relationship with this city. I know at first I did it, and positioned myself the way I did because I could always tell myself "you'll go home in a year, or two at the most" so I didn't put down roots. No idea where to get your laundry dry cleaned? No problem! I just won't wear it for a year. Having a place to get coffee and a friend to gossip with every Sunday morning lacking? No problem! Back in Seattle before I would know it. I kept telling myself this was temporary. I was not in DC for any signifigant period of time. Then everything changed.

 I can't tell myself these things anymore. They don't trick my mind like they use to and I am realizing more and more than I need/want to find some grounding. Find something less superficial than the excuse of a job to keep me somewhere.

It is an emotional challenge for sure. And it isn't that I don't enjoy my life here, it is just I want it to be more established. I want people and places that are mine. I want a big group of friends again. I want to not feel lost when I venture to some part of the city that is out of my regular 12 blocks that I frequent. I want to have my coffee shop, my dry cleaner, my lunch place, my library, my grassy place to lay and read, etc. I just miss feeling like I have things figured out. I miss the community I had.

I just want to pull the tape off the hem of my dress and not feel like a little girl trying to play dress up!

(PS any one who can laugh at the title of this post based on previous events in my life....feel free to get a good chuckle in. Because I certainly did)

1 comment:

  1. Wow. This is so on-the-nose of how I felt too. Now I'm back and I can say the grass is greener but it ain't no emerald green. I feel like I'm always WAITING for that something to happen but I'm never there. I guess all we can really do is give it all up to the Universe and go play Big Buck Hunter. And you handle that like a pro. Only a Big Girl can take down that many bucks! ;) Hang in there Hon. I will have a place for you to crash in January!