Monday, May 19, 2014

My Scary Age.

I am nearing the final weeks of my life as a 27 year old. The days of thinking 25 was old, were I was supposed to have this neat, organized, and pristine life, seem like a laughing matter now as I stare 28 straight in the face. When I passed 25 and looked at my life to see that it bore very little resemblance to what I thought it would be, I kind of shrugged my shoulders as thought "Well, that was funny, but I'm still young...pllleeennnttttyyy of time".

Then two more years sailed by.

The panic has started to rise in my throat.

Laugh all you want. Say how young I am, how much life I have to live. I know. 

But it has nothing to do what others think, and entirely to do with what I think. 28 is my scary age. 

I feel like I'm failing. That I've done something wrong to be at this point where I feel empty handed. I don't want to grow older when I am fearful that the moments I want most are moments I don't, and won't have.

Again, laugh all you want, but I am worried I won't ever have kids. I'm terrified that by the time I get married (if I get marred), settled somewhere I actually am happy to live and acclimated to married life, that opportunity will just that much harder to come by. It seems silly, but it is a really true, deep rooted fear. My whole life I've been told how maternal I am, how great I am with kids, how "mom-like" I am, and yet I am lightyears away from having a life that I would even want to bring a child into.

See!? This is my scary age....because my head has become scarily unhinged and crazy.

It was almost easier when my idea of "adult life" was a closet full of heels, the ability to have a stocked kitchen in which you cook amazing meals for dinner every night, and a social life where you had cocktails and coffee dates every evening. All of this desire to be settled, and to feel like I am not just myself, but part of a unit that will become its own little family, is scary, daunting and emotionally exhausting.

I am trying to embrace the idea that adult life is about filling your life, your surroundings, and your heart with the people, places, things, and memories that make you happy. Leaning on that for your contentment and measure of success.

I'm focusing on accepting. Accepting...that I can't control parts of my life. I can't control that I'm not engaged, or married, or having kids. I can't control what other prioritize, or value. I can't control the really load sirens that blare by our apartment all day and drive me bonkers. I con't control that we have mice that hide behind my coffee maker. I can't control or change someone's mood. I can't control that people get sick, and hurt and that there are just some really awful things in the world.

I am trying to shift my focus on what is in my control. Go and buy a dog, move back across the country to be near family and friends and the scenery that makes your breath catch in your throat. Stop worrying about what your resume will look like if you switch jobs again, or if you don't have matching furniture. Eat lucky charms for dinner, and wear clothes that you bought at Target (in the clearance section), and you cross your fingers that your 19 year old car will last another couple thousand miles before you need to put all that money that needs to go into it.

Smile and graciously accept another year of getting older because it will be ok. 

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