Monday, August 3, 2015

The Scary Age

I'm 29, one year past my scary age birthday.

I am usually really big on birthdays. Especially my own birthday (naturally). I believe they should be celebrated (extensively) and that there is never too much pampering in a birthday month.

But last year was different (even 29 was different) as I had probably no less than 8-10 really solid anxiety attacks and swings of depression as my birthday loomed.

Your scary age is that year that you benchmark your life against. It is the year that you used as a deadline to say "I will have these things going in my life by X year". It is that year where you were supposed to feel like you had it all together. It is the year that was realistic when you realized the 25 wasn't. It is the year to feel like you are launching into to the part of your life that all those moments have been leading up to.

What makes it when that year comes knocking on your door and you are no where near all those great things you thought would be in your life. In are further away, more confused, and lost than you ever imagined. maybe this is just me. 

I didn't want to turn 28 (let alone 29) without the items that I so desperately wanted at this point in my life. 

It seems silly to feel this way. It is just an age. A number really.

Except that it is so close to 30 (and please, let's not even get on that train of thought!). I just feel like I've done something wrong. Like how did I end up in my late twenties and I am that girl. The girl who is itching to be married, who is seriously worried she is going to be too old to have kids, who doesn't even think she will be able to afford a new car, or a house, or even just clothes that don't come from Old Navy or Target!

I slowly see that door creeping closed. That one that through it you can see this life you thought you were going to have. I feel like I am mourning that door closing before my eyes.

I know another view of life will take shape and it will be exactly what my life is supposed to look like- but it the bidding farewell to a life I thought was mine and introducing myself to a life I didn't ever imagine.

So yea, holy drama...I know I know. I'm young. I'll have kids, I'll get married, I'll buy a new used car, and someday I won't live in an apartment. I know it will all happen, or at least the parts that are supposed to happen.

I'm doing my best to just live it. Make the changes I can to get the things I want, and then just shrug and know that the rest of it is out of my control.

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