Well apparently I have been bottling up a TON of emotion that all came bubbling out tonight.
It all started with the roaches. They are back. Ok like 2 are back but when you start poking around the kitchen you start seeing the signs and that just drove me into a state of disgust and frustration. Luckily I got out of the apartment for a few hours and then got to home a bit refocused and started attacking the kitchen yet again. Over half the kitchen is in the living room. The roommate is disgruntled. But they are roaches. So there. We (I) sprayed and scrubber with various cleaning solvents until my hands hurt. Sprayed again. And then finally was able to put a few things away. While I am doing this my mind just got going and I just started feeling so helpless about everything. Sometimes I just feel like I am letting things happen to me rather than really taking control and other times I feel like I am trying to do so much to steer a situation and everything is working against me. Uncryptically, I want my own space. I want to have a space where I feel at home and not like a renter. Not really having a place I call "home" for the last year has really hindered my ability to be content with DC and I am tired of it. I either want to say "yes this if for me" or put my tail between my legs and call it a day. I am exhausted of "trying to make it work". I want a home. But I feel like there are a million things screwing up my plans. And then I start to think about the looming year lease that this idea comes with. Ok. What is a year? (yea wow, don't ask me that question because it results in tears and emotional blubbering). Anyways, the apartment stress got me going, the tears and girl sniffles got rolling, and then the irrational crazy girl in me reared its ugly head.
We are okay. It was probably good that I just let it bubble over, I feel a little better. Tired but better. But that's were that is. Kitchen half put together and no closer to solving this apartment issue.
I just get nervous. I am a nervous person. I am a cautious person. And I don't think it is helping when I am having to make decisions like this. Questions to be asked, determinations to be made, trust to be leaned on, and faith to throw caution to. Not things I am very good at. Prayer please for it to work out how it is intended to be because I am realizing there is something more than me dealing with this right now.
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WEEKEND UPDATE
To switch gears in this post I'll tell you all a little about my weekend. Friday I drove out to Alexandria to get myself a pint of pumpkin frozen custard to enjoy while I watched the movie "Valentine's Day". It was smart move and the movie was one that required some sort of frozen delight.
Saturday I did some personal stuff and then headed out to VA to check out IKEA and Wegmans. Wegmans was amazing. Domestic bliss. I want to drive to VA every weekend just to grocery shop at that beautiful store! I can't even describe the beautiful produce section. I was lusting after foods I had never even seen before!
Today was sports filled and roach killing. I know you are jealous.
The remainder of my Sunday looks like some work, snuggled with the bears and ironing for tomorrow. Let's all pray for a quick week as I already feel like I could use another weekend!
very jealous of your frozen pumpkin custard!!!
ReplyDeletei was expressing my concern over a 6 month lease when someone kindly reminded me that (and i'm not sure how this works in DC) that if you need to get out, you can always sublet. Or suck up the fee.
and I have complete faith that you will be able to make things happen when you know that they are right.