Channeling my Inner Carrie

image courtesy of MizPosh

So it appears that our internet is back up and running strong. Amen! So we are back in business and I have some serious blogging to make up for!

Not sure if it is the fabulous weather we are having in DC (I'll explain more in a minute), or just a Q1 crisis manifesting, but last week I was just kind of an emotional flailing windmill of emotion. (The weather thing is like this (thank you Erin for helping me identify this): but it gets really nice out and you starting thinking about being outside and doing outside activities, which usually include people, so then you think about people you miss and then the places you miss follow there after)

Maybe I am making this up, but I vaguely remember a Sex and the City episode where Carrie discusses if "Women can have it all". (Or maybe this is me clumping together the entire plot of Cashmere Mafia) anyways...I think I am having an Carrie moment with my life. I am finding myself asking "Can I have it all? Can anyone have it all? What is "all"?".

Interestingly I believe my sister while I was home had made a impromptu NYR to not use the phrase "You can't have it all", but we later decided to just not use it as often. So here I am evaluating my life, looking at what I "have" and what I "want" and what I "need". All very vague, self defined, and subjective terms and things to evaluate.

Here is what has been dashing through my head. Here. Now. I am happy. I have made friends in DC. I have a steady job that I enjoy at a normal level. And I have learned more and grown more in the last year and a half than I ever could have imagined. Here. Now. I also miss my family. I miss my sister. I miss my nephew and worry that I will regret being here, rather than watching him grow up. What kind of an Aunt sees her only nephew ever 6-7 months! (Not a good one that is for sure). I know that I can not always live out here, I miss people too much. BUT I have a split personality (Thank you very much Gemini) and part of me is a sentimental, hopeless romantic who believes that all ends well, and relationships are the central, pivotal, revolving point for life. And then the other side of me is hungry. Hungry for a career where I see a difference, where people value what I do, see value, feel value and need me. And as I write this I can see how many people would say "Well these two things CAN go together, in fact they could be one in same". True. Easier said than done blogworld.

I am struggling with what decisions I am making "for myself" and what decisions I am making "for others", and if there really are such ways to categorize decisions.

Some more things I feel rather sure of right now. I got something I never thought I would get. I am constantly surprised at the fact that not only have I survived out in DC, after a breakup that was the sole reason I moved here, but I thrived and have really grown into a person that I am comfortable with. Proud of in fact.

But can we Have it all?

Is it a myth? Can we be the women who are loved, love, who are successful, martha-stewarts at home, fashionable, fun, outgoing, driven, family oriented, and there for every person who we love and cherish in our lives? In Sex and the City terms maybe I am looking to blend Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and a dash of Samantha ;) ?

Is anyone else scared for when I turn 25? If this is my 23 yr old crisis I can only wait to see what the 1/4 life crisis will look like!